Did you ever wake up one morning and thought to yourself that your life didn’t fit anymore? That an aching burning desire was fighting to get out? I felt this many times over the last forty years. I tried ignoring these feelings. I tried denying these feelings. And yet, these feelings never went away.

I guess to really understand I must start at the beginning. A cliche, maybe, but every story must have its beginning.

I first started having these strange desires when I was rather young. While other girls my age dreams of kissing and making love to whatever guy they were in love with that particular week. I had visions of spanking, binding…exploring. These thoughts frightened me at first. I truly believed I was, I don’t know, strange…I guess that’s the best word for it. Don’t get me wrong, I adore kissing, and I certainly love fucking, but it was never enough. I pushed my strange desires aside, vowing to never think of them again. Yet, no matter how hard I try to ignore my desires they would always come back.

I married rather young. I was only nineteen. I loved my husband, but…when it came to sex he was as vanilla as they come. And at first it didn’t matter. I loved him and took great delight in giving him pleasure. As the years went by, I tried introducing kinkier things into our repertoire. To his credit he did try, but he wanted to be the dominant one. It felt wrong. I couldn’t submit to him, though his idea of domination was some spanking and trying to talk tough. It wasn’t enough. I tried dominating him, but my rather eclectic taste was way too much for him. Besides, he was very controlling in every aspect of our life together, and I’m not talking the good kind of controlling like a well trained Master would be. Oh no, he was the asshole kind of controlling. Those unfortunate enough to have this kind of controlling spouse you know what I mean. Anyways, there was no way he was giving up any control. So, yet again we hit a dead end.

I took up writing. I had to get these desires out someway. I let go and wrote sizzling stories about Masters and their submissives. I have been doing this for many years, and I am really good at weaving these stories. The one thing I found strange was that I always wrote about Masters. I believe I had only one Mistress in the roster of characters. And now that I think back, I believe it was just easier to let go if I wrote about Masters. The whole denial thing, I guess. The more I wrote about and researched this lifestyle the more I wanted to explore. Since my husband was a control freak, I thought maybe I could be a submissive. And yet again, his narrow-mind put a quick end to that. To be honest, I doubted I could have submitted to him. I needed to be the dominant one. It would take an extraordinary Master to make me want to submit.

When I realized that I wanted to be Mistress, it frightened me. It wasn’t just that I wanted to do this, I needed to…had to do this. The thought of guiding a submissive on a journey of self discovery excited me. It was more than just sex. If you are serious about this lifestyle it is always more than just sex. To truly allow someone to give themselves completely over to your care, to let them fill their need to serve, to cherish someone special…there are really no words to describe it.

Now, I will be obtaining my first submissive. And to be honest I’m afraid. His name is Tram. That’s all I know. Master Alex, acquired Tram for me. Don’t worry I will most certainly be writing about Master Alex in later entries.

But, I’m getting a little ahead of myself. You know, I did try to make things work with my husband. Hell, we were married for twenty-one years. We had two beautiful children, who are now grown and off to college, staring their lives. In fact, it was my youngest child leaving home that made me really sit back and think. Did I really want to spend any more time with a man who didn’t share my needs? Did I continue to only think about his wants, his needs, while ignoring mine? I’m not going to get into the multitude of problems my marriage had. This is not what this journal is about. By suffice to say we had a lot of problems. We were two totally different kinds of people trying to live his lifestyle. And while my children were living at home this was doable. But now, that they are grown and moving on with their lives. It was time to move on with mine. I didn’t make this decision lightly.

I moved out and sought a divorce and once it was final I started my journey of personal discovery. I won’t get too much into the details of the beginning of this journey, the main thing was it brought me to him. Alex was just set free of his contract from his former Master Raven. He was devastated to say the least. They shared a strong bound together. However, Master Raven knew Alex’s true calling and he was going to train Alex to be the Master he should be. I was there at the club when Alex came in. Master Gabriel was with him. Master Raven had sought out Gabriel’s permission to train Alex to be a Master, and this was how I got Master Gabriel’s permission to begin my training. The club had way too many Masters and only two Mistresses. He needed to balance this out. I found out later just how lucky I was to be trained by Master Gabriel, though at the time I didn’t know that. Anyhow, I trained with Alex. Master Gabriel enjoyed being around Master Raven. Though, true be told, I believe that Gabriel was in love with Raven. But that is a whole other story.

My training was tough, and I and Alex learned to confine in each other. We both were scared about becoming what we knew we should be. Gabriel wanted to hurry my training. The next auction was coming up soon and he wanted me and Alex ready.
You see Alex loves pain, well more to the point, he enjoys giving pain. He is very intense and will take a submissive right to their breaking point. Gabriel liked that.

I found out that I wanted a balance between pain and sensuality. I wanted to adore my submissive, yet I wanted to be able to give them what they needed. If my submissive needed pain I would be able to give it to them. Then the day came when Master Gabriel came to me. I thought he was going to explain how the auction worked, but it wasn’t what he did. He told me that Master Raven had a submissive for me. There was no way I was going to refuse Master Raven, after all, he was the man Alex loved. I agreed. Master Gabriel set me up with a nice house, a driver, and an allowance. I tried to refuse and he simply said that no one refuses him. I decided now wasn’t the time to make waves.

Now, Tram will be coming here. I wonder what he looks like. God, I hope he isn’t too young, I don’t want that. A ten year age difference was my limit, younger or older, I didn’t want no more than ten years between us. I guess it doesn’t really matter what Tram looks like. The only thing I really know about him is that he is new to this too. I like that. We can go on this new journey together.

I have to prepare for Tram. I will be keeping this journal to help me sort things out. I hope that I can be the Mistress that Tram needs.